A Thousand Things at Once

I sit here waiting for my update to Tribes 2 to finish it’s autoupdate.

As I sit here, I ponder who I am and who I want to be.

I do that a lot.

I wonder about what my life is becoming, and even though it is my life, I find it harder and harder to shape it’s future. At times I feel like I am a twig caught in a slow moving current downstream. Powerless to do anything but ride the current and see where it takes me.

My life is the usual hustle and bustle of someone that lives in Columbus. I get up usually at six AM, shower and prepare for the day. I drop Cheryl off at her office and meander over to the garage where I park on the ramp between the eighth and ninth floors. I then make my way across the bridge that spans the garage and the main complex. The bridge goes over Front Street, so I get to see all the people making their way in their cars to their jobs or their parking places or their appointments that occupy their time.

I usually log in at least two or three minutes late into my phone when I get to my desk. Then I fire up my PC and connect to the network, reading my e-mail and calling back any voice mail messages.

Then, the rest of the day is punctuated by support calls, routing e-mails, and playing Tribes with the gang.

Every day.

Only the lyrics change really.

*checks progress of autoupdate*

I find it harder and harder to concentrate on what I should do lately. I get distracted so easily. I feel like I have a million thoughts zooming around inside my head at once. Myriad tasks being processed simultaneously.

I want to write a novel.

I want to earn my MCSE.

I want to finish college.

I want to have a great career.

I want to be a Father.

I want…

I want…

I want… to slow … down…

I want to have the self control to be able to stop myself from doing a thousand things at once, getting nothing done, and feeling exasperated.

How do I do this?

Do I put myself into a state of constant self analysis? One more task to add to an already burdened task manager?

Or do I just take it one minute at a time?

I must think on this…

Yesterday

Yesterday, the face of the world was changed forever.

Just before and just after 9:00 am yesterday morning, two hijacked passenger jets were slammed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center.

Needless to say, I did not sleep very well last night.

Our office let us go early. My Division Manager asked me if I could take him home as well. No problem.

When I got home and turned on CBS and CNN, all I saw were replays of planes slamming into the towers, and shots of people jumping out to avoid the flames, even though they were sixty or seventy stories up in the air.

There are even tales of a couple holding hands as they jumped out of the building, determined to die together rather than be burned to death.

Overwhelming feelings of violation, fear, sadness, compassion, helplessness, hatred, anger, and various shades of others all raced through me yesterday and today.

I see images over and over in my mind of the horror that was visited upon the largest city in the country.

Upon our country.

Upon the civilized world.

I hear the President talk about how we are going to hunt down those that committed this crime and make them pay. I hear him talk about how the countries that harbor the fugitives will not be spared.

I thirst for vengeance as much as any other would. As much as any family member or parent or child that lost a loved one.

At the same time I have been forced to wake up and realize that the world isn’t the same place it was yesterday at 8:44 AM.

It’s a lot scarier now. A lot more real now. A lot more surreal too.

The Manhattan skyline has been forever changed. At least that’s what the newspeople say.

That’s not the only thing that has changed. The rules of living have too.

The rules of society have changed. The politics are going to change, the international relations are going to change.

I can only hope that this nation can for once pull together and stop bickering about what Politician farked who, and what this person said, or that person did.

I can only hope that for one moment we can all pull together as one, and say, “There is no room for this on our planet. We are one people and we will not permit this.”

I am writing this less than thirty six hours after the plane crashed into the first building.

I am scared, tired, and afraid.

I only want to go back and hide behind my mother’s apron, but I can’t now because the apron has been ripped from her, and innocence has been lost.

I pray today for our country and our leaders. I pray today that there will be a swift end to this tragedy, and that peace can be maintained.

I pray most of all for us as Americans, and that we can put an end to this here and now.