Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth

I remember when I was a boy, and my father used to take me to the county airport to watch the planes take off and land.

We would go inside the office, and he would buy my a coke from a vending machine. It was mechanical with a pull rod. In the money would go clickey clack and I would pull with all my might on the rod. The smaller-than-usual glass bottle would thunk into the slot and I would grab my treasured treat.

It was so cold that it would make my teeth hurt.

I would sit there for what seemed like hours watching the planes take off and land.

Spending time with my father.

On Thursday September 13, 2001 my father went to the emergency room. He was bleeding when he would go to the bathroom.

Subsequent examination would prove the existence of polyps in his colon. Later tests would prove them to be cancerous.

He has since undergone a colon resection and a splenectomy.

The cancer has spread, and he will start a six month regimen of chemotherapy soon. We meet with his oncologist on November 12th.

As I write this, my Father is staying with us. Recovering from his surgery. He and Cheryl are watching Survivor. I am taking a respite from all of this.

Some solitude in a time of turmoil.

The Office
Work is getting less and less enjoyable. With the rollout of the company’s chosen file transfer software looming on the horizon, I am becoming more and more impatient with the training that I am receiving.

Little to none has been given to me. I asked Todd about it today and he said that “They are over there, you gotta take charge.” They meaning Jennifer and Tracy, and meaning that if I want to learn how to support the software that brings in millions of dollars to the company, I have to go searching for that knowledge.

No offense, but that is no farking way to run a business. It makes me look unprofessional when people are calling me and wanting to know how to use it, and I don’t know how to use it myself.

So tomorrow, I am going to make time to talk to Jennifer and Tracy. I am also going to do my best to get my emotions under control.

I find that I lack focus. Not just in one aspect of my life, but everywhere.

I am scattered. Tossed to the wind. I need to find my center again.

I was centered once.

On the Side
I had some business cards printed up. They look great. I even designed them myself in PhotoShop. I look forward to handing them out to friends and acquaintances.

Home
Cheryl and I have not been emotionally close lately.

I feel like I am losing touch with her. Losing touch with everything.

God I am so tired. Why do I have to live my life like this? There was a time when I was so sure that you were there. I even went to college to learn more about you and dedicate my life to you…

Sometimes I just don’t care anymore. Other times I cling to you. Why is it that some people can have a total heart change, and it is taking me forever?

Sometimes I can’t even understand what my life is, and how my paths are laid out before me. Other times it is all so clear.

For once I just wish that I could see what my role is in life. Where I am supposed to be. I have lost total and complete focus in my life God.

Who am I? Where am I going?

What does it all mean and what the Hell am I supposed to do now?

I want to leave and go away. I want to go back to my home and just sit downstairs like I used to and play video games again.

I want to be Ignorant, and Safe, and Secure. I want once again for life to be Simple, and everything to be Okay.

Safe, Secure, Simple, Okay.

Is that what my children will think when they are 27 and they are seeing their parents die?

I had one parent mowed down by cancer, and by God I don’t want to see the second one die the same way!

I had to watch my mother flail and roll her eyes like a dying animal. Arms restrained so she wouldn’t rip out her own IV’s.

Do I have to watch my Father suffer the same fate? Or am I going to be granted the blessing of watching him wither away and rot for the next ten years, only to die while in a morphine induced haze, not knowing who his son is, or his daughter-in-law, or even possibly his Grandchild(ren)??

If that is LIFE. If that is the INHERITED SIN. Then I don’t WANT ANY OF IT GOD.

I did not ask to inherit the sin of Adam.

I don’t think that your rules are hardly fair. I think they freaking stink actually.

I remember well the teachings of the Bible. For the life of me, I don’t understand why you would create man, and then impose the “rules of the game” as they are.

I understand that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I understand that through him I will only have access to the Father.

I want to believe…

But how is it that my Father must pay the price for the sins of Adam? Why can’t he be exempt?

Why does it have to BE this way?

And so goes my prayer…

Why God?

Why?

Until then, I will be spending time with my earthly Father. Wondering why my Heavenly Father hasn’t healed Dad yet.

I have prayed for this God!

Until I get an answer, I will be again thinking of the time when I was a boy, and drinking my ice cold coke and watching the planes take off and land.