To Go Forward You Must Sometimes Go Back

In November of 2000, I started keeping a journal, inspired by Brandon Harris’ fantastic web site. I kept my entries in Word documents, eventually planning to publish them to the web. Today, that day has arrived. If you check my now expanded list of archive links on the right hand side you can see what I’ve been meaning to publish since the inception of this site. I’ve felt that the site has been incomplete without this information, but now I can rest a little bit easier.

You can start here if you like.

Thanks,
-C-

The Impromptu Gardener (Update)

Well the person that was supposed to see the house didn’t call our Realtor back to schedule an appointment.

So.

Back to the drawing board.

The open house is on Sunday. Maybe things will work out then.

*sigh*

At least the mulch looks nice.

The Impromptu Gardener

Yesterday Cheryl put in her resignation in writing at her office. In a marvelous attempt (no sarcasm intended here) to work with my wife, they have agreed to try and let her work part time until they can interview, hire, and train someone new to replace her. This is working out better than we had hoped as Cheryl was planning on quitting and going to work for a temp agency. Now she will hopefully be able to work part time at roughly the same pay rate which would be substantially more than what she would be earning as a temp. All that needs to happen now is for her HR department to approve the arrangement and all will be cemented.

In an ironic (yet completely welcome) twist, we received our first call to show our house yesterday. The call came in from my realtor around noon or 1 yesterday and the appointment is for this afternoon. In a last minute rush and with daylight fading last night I made a run to Lowes to grab some industrial strength pruning shears, a few bags of mulch, and some weed-b-gone in a vain attempt to make our house somewhat fresh and curb-friendly. During this impromptu yard work I discovered that red mulch stains easily and that our trees in the front yard have thorns on them. Yowch. A gardener I am not.

The house is as immaculate as it can be with less than twenty four hours notice, but it’s as good as it’s going to get. Now, let’s hope that this person likes it so I can be considering an offer this afternoon. I can’t (nor will I let myself) think that Cheryl resigning and the fact that we are showing our house is a coincidence. This is God’s way of saying “See! I can take care of you!”

I know you can, I’m just a bit thick ’round the top end. Remember my prayer from the other day? Well he answered with a big neon sign. Now let’s hope that things go through. (Yeah I know, I know. You’d think I’d have learned by now but I’m stubborn like my mom.)

I’ll post updates on the showing once I have something meaningful to tell.

Ripples

I find that life sometimes passes around me while I merely observe. Case in point: I look at the first ten months of my daughter’s life and it seems to have passed in a whirlwind. Already she has taken her first steps and managed to sound out “Mama”. Yesterday she was a tiny and delicate thing in my arms quietly smacking her lips and clutching her little hands into balls as I fed her a two-ounce bottle while the cameras snapped.

What will happen tomorrow?

Or the next day?

Will the next ten months pass as quickly as the last?

The next ten years?

I find that at age thirty I am struggling for context. Struggling to still understand the world around me as I watch, seemingly adrift in the eddies and currents of happenstance, serendipity, and chance. I think now is the point in my life where I critically examine myself and realize that there is some genetic urge that propels me forward. Pushes me towards making some kind of mark in this world that defines me. Gives the people around me some way to remember me.

Is this what I’m supposed to do? Write and confess my inconsistencies and my foibles and my hopes and dreams so people like you can voyeuristically come and go as you please? No. I don’t write this for you.

I examine my thoughts and feelings and as I have grown older these past few years I have learned to understand why things have happened to me and shaped me into the person that I am. I am slowly learning that my Mother wasn’t just a bitch that had a hobby of treating me badly. She too was struggling with the uncertainties that life throws at you. She faced her situation and didn’t have the benefits of today’s medicines and theories on coping or treating mental illness.

She was trying to figure life out with the resources she had available at the time, just like I am now. Just like any of us are. She made her choices, one of which was to seemingly be defeated by life. At least from my perspective. In my eyes she died a broken woman. Defeated by circumstance.

The ripples she made with her life impacted me, mostly negatively. She was still my mother, and in my own distant way I still love her.

With my life I choose not to let those ripples pass on and affect my daughter. I refuse to be caught in the cycle of depression and guilt that has caught up my family for a long time. Rather, I want to throw another pebble in the pond and let my ripples cascade across the surface in a different way. A better way.

The Facts of Life

Today, Cheryl let her supervisors know that she is putting in her two weeks’ notice. With that decision we take the first tentative steps down the path of the unknown. Cheryl told them that she really wanted to stay if she could, and she asked again if she could work part-time. They are checking on it for her once again, but chances are good that the answer will still be a resounding no. If that’s really the case, then July 2nd will be her last day.

In lieu of part-time work at her current job, Cheryl has checked into temp work again. Her initial queries have been somewhat fruitful, but we’re not entirely sure that she is going to be able to work part-time once she starts with AccounTemps. Or if she will even get an assignment right away once she signs up. In response we just said “What the hell. Let’s go to Canada for a week between jobs.” That being said, I’m lining up the time off should she wind up quitting.

Should Cheryl not be able to work part-time, I’ve even considered working part-time should things not work out like we planned. It would be a little bit better in my opinion for me to be the one working but Cheryl would prefer to do the part-time work that way the burden isn’t completely on me to bring in the back bacon. I don’t mind working another job as what I do isn’t exactly tiring. After all, all I do is sit on my butt al day, answer the phones and give technical support on computers. I could easily line up another part time job doing the same thing and make a lot more money per hour than Cheryl could as a temp. I wouldn’t have to worry about getting Cheryl to and from different assignments every other week or month. I could also keep taking classes online. I’d just have to be disciplined enough to get my homework done during my free time at work. Cheryl has insisted though that she be the one to work part time (at first anyway). If it doesn’t work out for her, then I will start making more serious inquiries into part-time tech support work.

Yesterday when we picked up Emma we told our sitters that Cheryl was putting in her notice, so they let us know that they would be going to North Carolina for three weeks next month. With this revelation, we have had to scramble to make plans so that Emma is taken care of as we sure can’t afford for her to stay home for three weeks in July. Cheryl talked to her Mom last night for awhile and filled her in on it and she said that she would ask Kathy (my wife’s sister) if she would come down and watch Emma. We’re still waiting on word from her about that. Alternately, Cheryl’s mother may possibly come down for a couple weeks or we can try and see if someone else from our church would be happy to nugget-sit for a couple of weeks.

The Church elections have wrapped up and I’ve been elected to the board for another year (as expected since I was running unopposed). The elections turned out better than I thought as a few people who were running that I was worried about did not get elected. This means that hopefully this year we can actually accomplish something as opposed to getting nothing done at all. Actually, we did do one good thing this year which was to help a guy make a last-minute plane trip to Mississippi (sp?) to do some scouting for when he relocates his family there so he can go to seminary. He was planning on making the several-hundred mile trip in his rickety old Honda, so we as a church board voted to give him the money he needed to buy a round-trip plane ticket and still have money for a car rental. That felt good. If we didn’t accomplish anything else this year, at least we helped him do that. Am I tooting my own horn? No. If you think I am then go dig a hole. You can’t read my mind nor adequately gauge my intentions.

On the home front, Emma has taken two steps on her own. w00t! She was playing in the living room last night and walking around her toy bin which we had conveniently placed in the middle of the floor. She let go and was standing pretty well on her own. When I put my arms out for her to come to me, she took a tentative step into my arms. Dad came in later on and she was standing in the same place so I told Dad to stand close to her and put his arms out. Sure enough she took two steps on her own into Dad’s hands. Holy crap. It won’t be long now that I’ll be chasing her around the house or picking her up off the floor after she’s riccoched of of a wall somewhere. Oh well, I imagine I’ll repair more than one Emma shaped hole in the walls around our home before things are said and done.

With all the impending changes I would personally think that I would be in a grouchier mood, but I am actually pretty content and accepting of the situation I find myself in. Whether this is the peace of God settling in on me or a moment of lucid insanity, I couldn’t tell you. All I know is these are complete, total, and utter steps of faith we are taking with Cheryl quitting, the board, and just life in general. Talk to me again in another month and we’ll know for sure.

Dear God,

Yeah, it’s me again. Sorry to keep bugging you. We’re just checking in with you to let you know things are OK, but we’re a little nervous about all these little details called “The Unknown” that we’re facing. We’ve taken some steps and put the house up for sale. We’re also planning on moving back in with Dad once it’s sold. Cheryl is quitting her job to stay home with Emma, but still work part-time for awhile until the house sells so she has more time to raise Emma.

The reason I’m writing this is because in all honesty, this is a huge step of faith for both of us. Please let things work out. You might have to make your signs and wonders pretty obvious to me because like Cheryl says, I’m a man and I’m a bit dense ’round the top end sometimes. Trying to be faithful here. Thanks. Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Chris, Cheryl, and Emma

Talk About My WHAT?

Yesterday I was roped into taking part in one of the most dreaded events known to man.

A corporate team building seminar.

God I feel unclean.

Nay, soiled.

I mean, it’s one thing to have pride in your company, but it’s another to be forced to endure semi-hypnotic / guided visualization will-bending exercises intended to surreptitiously mold and shape the internal culture of a corporation. I can illustrate this by the periods of intense group activity and absorption followed by periods of darkened rooms, deep breathing, meditative music, and a monotone voice asking us to count backwards while visualizing how we could use these concepts not only in our professional capacities but our personal lives as well.

Granted, some if not all the concepts were completely valid and useful for an organization wanting to move from Good to Great but the execution of this team building exercise left little to be desired. I felt soiled by taking part in it. Not just disinterested, or offended, but soiled.

Being that I am an introvert, I express myself in different ways than all the people I work with who are by far and large extroverts. The voice that I cannot or do not let myself use in public I use here. Yesterday I was nearly forced to participate, speak, interact, and comment. I didn’t particularly care for that at all.

Granted, the whole thing was not bad. I did take away some very valuable insights about myself and what I need to do to improve myself, but I didn’t need to do it sitting naked around a campfire, beating on bongo drums and visualizing about my feelings.

Well, OK. You’ve got me.

Maybe we weren’t around a campfire, but come on.

The only way they could have been more offensive or subliminally invasive is if they had shipped us off to some sort of collective, deprived / minimized our access to food and sleep for several days and had us regularly chanting things like “Go for the Blue Chip” or “Be Here Now.” I’m working for a Fortune 500 company, not joining the Moonies.

*Insert slobbering sounds, miscellaneous other rants, and non-sensical noises here.*

*sigh*

*deep cleansing breath* (I learned that yesterday)

Now that I’ve got that out of my system, I think I’ll go get a bagel.

Son of a @#$%@#%! I hate those touchy-feely-talky things. Now I need to go deathmatch or something so I can feel cleansed.

OK. I feel better now. First bagel, then deathmatch. Yes. That’s what I’ll do. That will do nicely.

*wanders off muttering to himself*

What’s Your Stance?

Being bored, I took the Liberal Test. Most if not all of the questions are (not surprisingly) slanted so there is no middle ground. It’s barely scientific and some of the questions are a howl. Surprisingly, I came out as

I guess that means I’m a free thinker. *shrug* I’m still not voting for Nader this fall.

I went back and took it again (see bored reference above) to see what kind of different response I could get. The second time I came out with

I smiled and thought to myself “Hey, that comes out pretty close to my Chaotic Neutral alignment.”

Calm

Our impromptu migration north has allowed me to relax and get back to basics. I’ve been extremely pleased with our time up here this weekend, and I am dreading the fact that we actually have to go back home tomorrow. As part of my sabbatical, I got up this morning and ventured out with my father-in-law to the Husky House, a local truck stop that has now become the traditional Saturday morning breakfast place. It was a typical morning out. We discussed the price of gas, talked about how things are usually pretty ludicrous in our society and no matter who we elect to represent us, they are all going to steal our chickens.

I’ve spent the rest of the day lounging around my in-laws apartment building. The majority of my wife’s family lives in the same building and thus it makes moving from apartment to apartment for visiting time a somewhat mandatory exercise. It’s not as bad a thing as you might suspect, especially when they used to live half a city apart. Now, staying in the free bed at my sister-in-law’s place involves only going upstairs rather than packing up the mukluks and papoose and migrating across town for the night, only to do it all again in the morning.

Cheryl had an opportunity to get out with her sister today which was nice. Nana and I stayed home and watched the nugget while they went and did their thing. Earlier this evening Cheryl and I got out for a relaxing drive and some precious few minutes together. We spent them like we did in the old days. A simple drive and some Tim Horton’s tea and coffee. Few words were said as we just simply enjoyed the moment.

Tonight I am up at my sister-in-law’s place, looking at the sunset over the Detroit river. The cool breeze wafts through the sliding glass door and I hear black squirrels chitter and run across the branches outside the window.

Every once in awhile a boat will sound its horn as it chugs its way up the river and into Lake St. Clair. The river today was gorgeous. It always is. A deep jade green color that usually has frosty whitecaps as the wind moves the waves to and fro.

I almost walked out to the river bank to watch it.

Almost.

Yesterday during the drive up, our Pastor called me on my mobile and let me know that Karol Chaffin had declined the nomination to run for second elder.

That meant that I was the only other person who had been nominated and as such I could make a final decision and let my name run unopposed, guaranteeing me a spot on the board for the next year.

*sigh*

These past few months I have been dreading these elections because I have been of two minds about whether I even still want to be a part of this church or not. I’ve asked God to show me the way I need to go and I’ve heard little in the way of a response from him. I’ve prayed that he show me the way to go. I felt led to not let my name run for second elder.

Nominations came around last Wednesday night and when it came time to nominate people for the second elder I was asked if I would consider running again. I said that I hadn’t let my name run, but I was open to running again if someone wanted to nominate me. The nomination came, and was seconded.

I said that I would not make a final committment or decision until later. That “later” arrived Friday with Jim’s phone call.

With Jim’s news of Karol’s decision not to run, I felt that my path was clear. I had my answer. I told Jim that I would go ahead and let my name be on the ballot for the next board year. He thanked me and I told him that I felt it was for the best.

That being said, I think that this weekend was the time that both Cheryl and I needed to mentally rewind/unwind and prepare for what the next year holds. There are many changes coming our way and perhaps this is the calm that we need before the winds of change start to blow harder.

We are getting closer to the point where we will hopefully sell the house. Cheryl is getting ready to quit her job and start working part time. The Church board is swinging from young and new ideas back to the old guard and conservative. Things are going to be considerably… different.

God give me strength. I’m going to need it.

Norf by Norfwest

I was sitting at my desk today, tired of being bored, tired of being stuck in the same rut and had the thought “Man, I really need to get away.”

So another voice inside my head said “OK. Then get away.”

“Where to?” I said.

“Why, Canada of course eh! Where else you Yankee American Hot Dog you?”

“But there’s a lot of homework to be done for this weekend” I said. (Ignore the fact that I’m talking to myself now.)

“Feh. You can get it done. All you do is sit on your butt, surf, play Game Boy, and deathmatch. You’ve got loads of time to get homework done before you leave.”

“Good point!” and with that I fired off a note to my wife asking her if she wanted to go.

She wrote back “Are you kidding me or being serious?”

With a smile on my lips I wrote her back and said “Serious. You’ve got time. Let’s take Friday off and head norf ah de border for dah weekend eh. A mickey and a two-four means party at the camp eh!”

And with that the great migration north of ought-four has begun. We made it home just in time tonight to get Emma bathed before we went to Church. Then after I got home tonight I finished up a homework assignment before signing off for the night. Cheryl has been a blur of activity as she cleans the house in case for some odd reason we actually have a showing. Not a bad idea. I’d hate for the future owners of my house to see my underwear lying about and my socks on the floor.

---

I’ve been nominated for the Second Elder position again at Church but I am seriously considering not running for it. This past year has been absolutely crazy and the next 12 months don’t look to be any different. I am really tired of living my life running from place to place and I strongly feel that this is the first place to start. Between work, school, Church, the Church Board, being a geek, and trying to be a decent father, I find that I need to start controlling my schedule instead of the other way around. Not more than three years ago I used to be able to get up on a Saturday morning and watch cartoons until 2PM when I showered (optional), shaved (again optional) and then made my way out into the world. I could still do that (only with improved hygiene) and manage to be a decent father if I stepped up and started saying “no” a little bit more.

---

I was looking over my course registration options when it hit me that I may potentially only have five classes left to take. I was excited at the thought of being so close to graduating but I fired off a note to my student advisor to verify. Potentially I may have to take two or three classes per core major (I’m a dual major MIS and Information Technology). If that’s the case then add another year until I graduate. I’m pulling for five classes though. That would rock.

Here’s hoping for only five more! w00t!

b0rk b0rk b0rk

I know. The site’s b0rked.

*sigh*

I’m working on it. Sheesh. A webmonkey I am not. (Hence the reason I use TypePad).

-C-

*Update*
The site is no longer b0rked. I guess that’s what I get for playing with my style sheets.

-C-