The PlayStation 3

Oh. My. Gawd.

The Online Gaming Low-Life Hierarchy

<rant>

For the past two months straight I have been getting my groove on with various games on X-Box live. As many of you already know, I have been mostly playing the game which shall not be named. Being that it is online gaming, I expected to have to deal with my fair share of cockknockers and asshats.  As of late, it seems like less and less people want to play the game, and more and more people just want to run their mouths and generally screw off. Let’s look at some of the characteristics of some of your typical low-lifes that you can find in this game (and in online gaming in general).

• The Spawn Camper – These bullet magnets are the lowest of the low. The poor bastards are too dense to rub sticks together to make fire, let alone rub two neurons together to develop a viable strategy on playing the game. Generally these poor sods can be found hiding in deep, dark crevices where they can’t be seen. They wait for some unsuspecting player to respawn nearby or run by at which point they rush out, feebly attempting to deal out death. If successful they go back into their spider hole. Spawn Campers are butt-licking cowards. At best they will live in their parent’s basement the rest of their lives and making a living playing online texas hold ‘em. At worst they will show up in an ER needing to get one or more of their infected heroin injection points lanced and cleaned out.

• The Nickname Knocker – These guys are like The Mouth Runners, only not as smart. At best, they can only come up with some lame variation of your nickname that tends to imply homosexual tendencies or something involving molesting a dog. It’s good to know that we are in third grade again. I’m gladly reminded of that at least once a night while getting my frag on. Since most of these kids are fixated on bashing minorities and homosexuals, then I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if I indulged their repressed homo-erotic fantasies by planting a rocket launcher up their collective arses repeatedly. And I do. Over and over and over again. Nickname Knockers tend to end up making a viable career out of cleaning the debris trap at the  local car wash or pulling french fries out of the hot oil at a mom and pop fast food stand with their bare hands as entertainment. I hear those skin grafts hurt like hell.

• The Mouth Runner – These asshats take more pride in their talking ability than their
  shooting ability. They tend to talk, hum, sing, or shout epithets at
  every moment during a game. This would be a good thing if they weren’t
  on my team. Mouth runners tend to grow up to be used car salesmen or Pablo’s bitch in cell block D. Take my advice, shut up. Your future will be that much brighter. Maybe you’ll be on Oprah someday telling an inspiring story and extoling the virtues of feelings.

• The Team Killer – These models of recidivism in action can actually manage to plant a bullet in someone’s head. Unfortunately that head usually winds up being yours. You’d like to kick them out of the game, but you really need them because you’re really really close to leveling up again in the rankings. Team Killers are good players because they have a lot of experience slaying people. If you’re lucky Luke will turn away from the dark side long enough to not be a cock and help you win the game then go team-kill someplace else. If you’re unlucky, Darth Small will continue to team kill his way to an ejection, leaving you to face the real enemy alone. Team killers are all registered sex offenders and pedophiles. Better hope you dont end up with Pablo and The Mouth Runner chuckles.

• The Poor Sportsman – This arrogant sumbitch tends to reign at the top of the collective loser shitpile that exists at the bottom rung of the online gaming ladder. They actually have the mad leet skillz it takes to win and be successful. However they have this slightly grating tendency to remind you of their abilities repeatedly. They also tend to give a color commentary on everyone else’s playing ability. These players deserve credit for being good. However, they deserve no respect. Just because Daddy bought you your X-Box and you can spend all day playing when you should be banging your high-priced in-home tutor isn’t a fault of mine. Poor sportsmen will grow up to be Rhodes scholars and graduate from Ivy League schools. They will go on to be successful investment bankers and politicians. They are all destined to die from Syphillis or Gonorrhea after screwing corporate-business-deal Geishas in Hong Kong. Serves you right you fricking bastards.

Ironically, I play the game because it’s fun. Sadly, it’s getting less and less fun to play because of people like this. I just don’t get why people have to be pricks. It’s almost like it’s in fashion now. Sheesh. Stupid people.

</rant>